Public Service Announcement

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If you have a five-year-old boy and a copy of Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants, and if you have a seven-year-old who needs to be picked up at school, you should not go to the school fifteen minutes early with thoughts of reading aloud in the sunshine. Because if there are, hypothetically, kindergarteners in the playground, you will find them gathered around you, giggling maniacally while you say words such as monkeyburger and boogernose. Then, when they are called by their teacher, said hypothetical kindergarteners will run off chanting “boogernose, boogernose.”

This message brought to you by the Department of Uber Mom Blunders (DUMB).

Library book brownie points

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Ideally, you’re supposed to take your kids to the library with you. But sometimes, life is just too busy. When Min sent me to Oakridge Mall yesterday to pick up Diablo 3 (his “reading” material for the month), I ducked into the Oakridge library branch and rummaged for some bedtime books.

My son and I have been reading the lovely Toys Go Out. We just finished the part where Plastic (the rubber ball) is eaten by a possible shark (dog). When we’re done, we can now balance Emily Jenkins’ subtle humour with Dave Pilkey’s more overt brand. There are two new Captain Underpants titles waiting. My son is thrilled. Although he said, clutching Wedgie Woman with a sigh, “The only bad thing about Kidsbooks is that you have to pay. The bad thing about the library is that you have to give the books back.”

Ah, the truths of the universe.

Choosing books for my daughter is much more difficult, but I came home with Lemonade Wars (which she’d heard about) and 11 Birthdays, by the same author as her much loved Candymakers.

Okay, I had no idea they were both by Wendy Mass. I chose 11 Birthdays for its cover. But I didn’t tell my daughter that. Nope, I took my brownie points and ran.

Yay, Mommy!

Tick-tock

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I am waiting for editing notes. The first round of edits is always the worst. Except when the second round is the worst.

Really, neither is THAT bad. It’s more the waiting that’s bad. The knowledge that you’re about to find out everything that’s wrong with your book and it could be anything from “move chapter eight until after chapter five and shift chapter three up thirty pages and rename that guy named Lance, what a stupid name” to “please revisit the theme of this novel and consider whether it might be better if it included zombies.”

That last suggestion has never actually been made to me. Yet.

Anyway, while I wait, I figure I can:

  • Cook a few things, so when I ignore my family for days on end, they at least won’t starve.
  • Catch up on laundry. Of course, having a surplus of clean clothes will probably give my family a collective stroke. And then they won’t need to be fed. Cancel step one.
  • Stock up on sugar. I find that rewriting requires a fairly constant sugar intake.
  • Pray. I could start praying now.
  • Revisit my friend Rachelle’s excellent advice on revising.

For your chapter book shelves

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I went to a CWILL BC meeting last night and discovered that two of my favourite Vancouver writers have new chapters books out this month. So, in case you’re in the market and you want to have the same to-read list as me (you do, right?), here they are:

Flood Warning, by Jacqueline Pearce:

and The Wrong Bus by Lois Peterson:

It just occurred to me that my children are outgrowing early chapter books. I’m going to have to either admit that I’m buying these for myself, or have more children. Yikes! I’d better ‘fess up to reading them myself.

Vandalism, or public service?

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This banner has been hanging on the school fence all year. And all year, I’ve wanted to take a wee can of spray paint and add, “or we, too, will grow up without learning the rules of capitalization and punctuation.”

Would that be inappropriate?

Weekend learning

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I spent a lovely few hours on Sunday evening with the Book Burglars book club at Christianne’s Lyceum, talking about 50 Poisonous Questions. And wow! Every time I stop by that place, I learn things. Here are just a few of the eye-openers from yesterday:

  • According to an ex-military dad named Bernie, the best way to poison people and get away with it is to inject potassium chloride between their toes. (Bet that’s not what you thought we’d be talking about at a book club for intermediate students, hmmm?) What we couldn’t figure out, though, was how to inject people between their toes without leaving incriminating evidence. You can’t exactly say, “Excuse me, would you mind holding up your big toe for me while I get this hypodermic needle ready?” (And if anyone ever does say that to you, you should run.)
  • There is a type of underwear made in Vancouver called STUD briefs which is supposed to increase men’s fertility. We got talking about THAT because I’d brought in a copy of 50 Underwear Questions and apparently the makers of STUD live in Vancouver and their kids attend the Lyceum. Who knew?
  • There is no such thing as a brontosaurus. How crazy is that? Something about two palaeontologists fighting and both of them rushing to identify the most dinosaur bones and one of them getting the wrong head on the wrong body. Obviously, I need to look into this further.
  • I can draw a killer pair of oxen. I know this, because they were correctly identified while I was frantically trying to draw “dioxin” in a competitive round of Pictionary. Okay, there were guesses for deer, cows, and… um… bunny rabbits before someone (Bernie the ex-military dad, actually) hit upon oxen, but still. I think Ross Kinnaird now has competition. If we ever do 50 Oxen Questions, I’m totally illustrating it myself.

Thank you, Christianne, Laura, and Book Burglars, for an illuminating visit!

Dorkiest. Couple. Ever.

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I’ve been watching Downton Abbey this week, on my laptop with my earphones in, while Min plays Mass Effect 3. Which has led to this conversation:

Tanya: There’s so much going on! World War I has started, and half the men are at the front.

Min: World War I may seem exciting, but I have to save the entire GALAXY.

And then he showed me his fleet.

Warning: you may not wish to read this blog next October

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I’ve been booking presentations for the fall. So many presentations that I have now promised my husband to, as he puts it, “press my tongue against the roof of my mouth and say, ‘nnnnooooo’.”

The problem is, it’s all so exciting! And, since it’s only May, there doesn’t seem to be any downside to booking presentations in October. Right?

Okay, there’s a teensy chance that I’m going to start freaking out on September 30th. I might wake up at 5 a.m. every morning to worry about things that could go wrong, I might develop stomach cramps and acne, and I might occasionally snark at my family.

Or maybe this time will be different…

I’m odd

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This is probably not surprising news to most of you. But, it has now been objectively confirmed.

Annick Press sent me this link to quite a fun and complimentary review piece. It says “[Annick] struck me because I noticed them putting out non-fiction works on odd topics.” Well, it just so happens that two of the three odd topics mentioned happen to be books by me.

Because I’m odd.*

All I can say is thank goodness someone at Annick shares my warped sense of humour. And thank goodness, when they receive a proposal for vampires and leeches and medieval doctors and crime scene investigation all in the same book, they think it’s a great idea. Because if they didn’t, who in the world would?

Just wait until you hear what I’m working on now…

* Coincidentally, Odd was my grandpa’s first name. Seriously. I did not make that up.