Baby wipes: not as tasty as you might think

Min and Silence had the plague over the holidays. She went down on the 21st and mostly recovered by Christmas; he went down on Christmas Day.

On the 26th, Violence and I had cabin fever. I offered to take him for a tramp in the snow, but he said, “you’re not as fun as Daddy.”

I had to prove him wrong, of course. So we went for our walk, heading for Kidsbooks. The store turned out to be closed but that didn’t entirely matter because along the way I agreed to (a) scratch-and-win tickets; (b) Dairy Queen french fries; and (c) every-flavour jelly beans.


That last one… that’s where I went wrong. I had assumed Violence would try them out with his friends or with his sister. But I’d forgotten about Silence’s braces and I was still working to prove I was capable of fun and somehow I ended up seated at the dining room table playing Russian roulette with jelly beans.

My first one was blueberry. Whew.

My second was baby wipes.

You wouldn’t think baby wipes would taste THAT bad. I am here to clarify that yes, they do. Not only are they horrible, bitter, disgusting, mothball-ish things, but jelly beans STICK TO YOUR TEETH in a way that I’m sure real baby wipes wouldn’t. It took me many gargles and a shortbread cookie to cure myself.

J.K. Rowling, inventor of every-flavour beans, has a sick imagination. But I am officially fun.

Happy New Year, and may your days be filled with all the best flavours.

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