How to attend a social event with strangers: a guide for writers

1. Search closet for suitable clothes. Regret vow to buy second-hand clothing this season, and pledge to rejoin the consumer economy immediately.

2. Spritz armpits with natural deodorant. Wonder if natural deodorant is best suited to work behind a desk, alone, and Acme Epic Chemical Version would be more suited for present occasion. See vow above.

3. Straighten hair in attempt to look less like frizzy-haired witch. Notice that straightening hair makes grey hairs more obvious. Wonder if frizzy or grey is actually more indicative of witch-hood.

4. Wish it were possible and/or socially appropriate to carry a flask. Then remember that MC at wedding carried a flask, while wearing a reasonably form-fitting dress. Resolve to ask said MC for strategy pointers.

5. Remember hearing of a recluse who once lived in what is now Mount Seymour Demonstration Forest. Resolve to check if hut/cave is still available.

6. Dig for shoes from sister’s wedding, on the assumption that sister is more fashion conscious than you and would not have made you wear socially inappropriate footwear. Remember that sister’s wedding was several years ago, and footwear appropriateness may have since changed. See vow above.

7. Check wallet for cash. Finding none, pillage spouse’s wallet for cash, thus perpetuating the subsidizing of the arts in Canada.

8. Go out. Return home. Shower. Attempt to sleep but end up repeating all conversations held throughout event, in attempt to discern whether appearance of sanity was conveyed.

9. Sleep.

10. Repeat as necessary.

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