Okay, we need something light around this place, and I have just the thing.

I noticed this article on Treehugger about how washing is better than wiping. And I would just like to say that we here at tlk.com will not be investing in bidets anytime soon.

Last spring, my mother-in-law wanted a bidet in her new apartment. So Min and I gamely tromped off to Robinson bath and bought one, telling the salesperson only five or six times that “this is not for us.” Min and the local handyman installed the device… and then someone had to test it.

Min closed the washroom door, pressed the wash button, and let out a series of yelps. Then he came out and helped up our handyman, who was rolling on the floor laughing.

You know how you eat something bad and you want everyone to taste it, just to see how bad it was? Well, Min thought that since he’d tried the bidet, I should try the bidet.

I go into the bathroom. I press wash. Nothing happens. I press wash again. Nothing happens. I press wash again. I get squirted with fire hose pressure, and it doesn’t shut off! And it’s COLD! And we’ve just had the bathroom repainted so if I stand up, water is going to shoot ALL OVER the newly painted walls! I’m screaming, Min is outside laughing, the water is still geysering…

I can’t take it anymore. I stand up.

The water turns off. Apparently, it does that automatically when you stand up. And apparently, if you press the wash button just once, instead of three times, then there’s a slight delay while the machine WARMS the water.

But personally, I no longer care. Because now that I’ve experienced what it feels like to have water flow backwards into my bladder, I will not be investing in a bidet, no matter how environmental it is.

It’s wipe, not wash, for this girl.