I was watching my son’s soccer game yesterday. He plays on some afternoons with a coach whose website says simply “I am the best coach in Vancouver.”

He is certainly the most entertaining coach in Vancouver. He has a strong Eastern European accent, and he’s read none of this decade’s child-rearing manuals. So he yells things like, “Push, boys. Push. He is not going to break. Use your elbows. Oooh… penalty shot. But good job. Next time, little push.”

At the end, he gives out cookies. But only to the winners.

Strangely, my son loves these soccer games. He leaves the field red-cheeked and exhausted, and recounting every one of his moves and passes and goals. And he’s certainly improving under the onslaught.

Which is all making me think that maybe I need a Slovakian writing coach. Someone to stand behind my desk and yell, “Get going, Tanya. Vat are you doing, vasting time vith zis Tvitter? Focus!”

Min’s quite good at accents. Maybe I’ll have him make me a recording.