Since books are apparently endangered, I figure I have to make the most of current opportunities to read in the bath. It’s an art form, though. You can’t just grab any old book and hop into hot water. In my world, there are certain requirements:

1. Bubble bath, phthalate-free.
2. A lever faucet that you can turn off with your toes, thus keeping your hands dry.
3. A book you should be reading, and a book you’d like to read.

You begin the bath with the book you should be reading, continue until your brain overheats, then switch to book two.

Now, book two. This is something you have to choose carefully. You can’t read anything too depressing in the bath. No one wants snot floating around in the water, and pieces of disintegrating tissue are just as bad. No horror, obviously. There could be anything lurking behind that shower curtain. Mysteries and romances? Well, they’re okay as long as you have time for a long bath, because who knows when you’ll be able to put them down. You might end up draining the water to motivate yourself, then getting hypothermia reading those last few chapters.

Then there’s the source…

You can read your own book, a library book, or any book on loan from a family member or a very good friend — one who won’t mind the occasional wrinkled page. But if your child’s Sunday School teacher heard you’re a writer and has passed along her absolutely favourite title EVER, save it for the beside table. You’re guaranteed to drop it in the bubbles, and changing churches is a real pain.

Hardcover is preferable to softcover, for the sake of your wrists. Glossy finish preferable to matte, for the sake of easy drip-wiping. Thick paper preferable to thin paper, for the sake of damp page-turning.

And, most importantly, don’t read anything that you could write better, anything containing actual ideas, or anything remotely inspiring. Because the last thing you want is to have to drag yourself out of the bubbles, drip down the hallway, and scribble down some soggy idea in your notebook when you could just be… having a bath.