The vortex

Dear Human Rights Tribunal:

Please consider asking the government of Canada to stop requiring me to pay taxes.

I ask this for three reasons. First, because organizing my tax receipts and those of my husband involves covering the dining room table and part of the floor with multiple, teetering piles of teensy paper slips. It makes it downright impossible to concentrate on anything creative, thus robbing the world of whatever masterpiece I might have been creating with this time. Not to mention the BPA that is currently being released in my home’s atmosphere right now, via heat-printed receipts.

I can’t even remember the other reasons. That’s how bad this situation has become.

Oh, wait. Reason number two: I do not possess the capacity for logical thought. You may confirm this by contacting my high school computer science teacher or the accountant who spent several days earlier this year correcting my payroll errors. This is a genetic disability, and not a result of educational deficiency. I did take Math 12. The only thing I learned was by watching the boys at the blackboard: there was an inverse relationship between the boys’ ability to complete calculus problems and the attractiveness of their behinds (a theory I was later forced to revise in university). I digress. Because this disability is genetic, it only seems fair that the tribunal take an interest in my case.

Finally, the aforementioned teetering piles of receipts force me to squeak, “don’t move the papers!” whenever a child runs through the dining room, impacting my ability to appear a calm and cheerful parent, and affecting the general cardiovascular health of my family. The tiptoeing required on the part of my children is sure to lead to future obesity, costing the health care system millions. In the long run, it will be more cost effective to have me avoid the tax process altogether.

Thank you for your interest in my case. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Tanya Kyi

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